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Wife 1.0

Dear Tech Support,
Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 and noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of new space and valuable resources. No mention of this phenomenon was included in the product brochure. In addition, Wife 1.0 installs itself into all other programs and launches during system initialization, where it monitors all other system activity. Applications such as Poker Night 10.3, Drunken Boys Night 2.5 and Sunday Football 5.0 no longer run, crashing the system whenever selected. I cannot seem to keep wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run some of my other favorite applications. I am thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0, but the uninstall does not work on this program. Can you please help me!!!???

Thanks,
A TROUBLED USER

Dear TROUBLED USER,
This is a very common problem men complain about, but is mostly due to a primary misconception. Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 with the idea that Wife 1.0 is merely a UTILITIES & ENTERTAINMENT program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and designed by it's creator to run everything. It is unlikely you would be able to purge Wife 1.0 and still convert back to Girlfriend 7.0. Hidden operating files within your system would cause Girlfriend 7.0 to emulate Wife 1.0 so nothing is gained. It is impossible to uninstall, delete, or purge the program files from the system once installed. You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is not designed to do this. Some have tried to install Girlfriend 8.0 or Wife 2.0 but end up with more problems than the original system. Look in your manual under "Warnings- Alimony/Child support".

I recommend you keep Wife 1.0 and deal with the situation. I suggest installing background application program C:\YES DEAR to alleviate software augmentation. Having installed Wife 1.0 myself, I might also suggest you read the entire section regarding General Partnership Faults (GPFs). You must assume all responsibility for faults and problems that might occur, regardless of their cause. The best course of action will be to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE. In any case avoid excessive use of C:\YES DEAR because ultimately you may have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the operating system will return to normal. The system will run smoothly as long as you take the blame for all the GPFs.

Wife 1.0 is a great program, but very high-maintenance. Consider buying additional software to improve the performance of Wife 1.0. I recommend Flowers 3.1 and Diamonds 2K. Do not, under any circumstances install Secretary with Short Skirt 3.3. This is not a supported application for Wife 1.0 and is likely to cause irreversible damage to the operating system.

Sincerely, Tech Support

========================

Words Women Use


  • FINE: This is the word women use to end an argument when they feel they are right and you need to shut up. Never use "fine" to describe how a woman looks - this will cause you to have one of those arguments.
  • FIVE MINUTES: This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so it's an even trade.
  • NOTHING: This means "something," and you should be on your toes. "Nothing" is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. "Nothing" usually signifies an argument that will last "Five Minutes" and end with "Fine"
  • GO AHEAD: (With Raised Eyebrows! ) This is a dare. One that will result in a woman getting upset over "Nothing" and will end with the word "Fine"
  • GO AHEAD (Normal Eyebrows) : This means "I give up" or "do what you want because I don't care" You will get a "Raised Eyebrow Go Ahead" in just a few minutes, followed by "Nothing" and "Fine" and she will talk to you in about "Five Minutes" when she cools off.
  • LOUD SIGH: This is not actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot at that moment, and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing"
  • SOFT SIGH: Again, not a word, but a non-verbal statement. "Soft Sighs" mean that she is content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe, and she will stay content.
  • THAT'S OKAY: This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can make to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before paying you back for whatever it is that you have done. "That's Okay" is often used with the word "Fine" and in conjunction with a "Raised Eyebrow."
  • GO AHEAD!: At some point in the near future, you are going to be in some mighty big trouble.
  • PLEASE DO: This is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman is giving you the chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing whatever it is that you have done. You have a fair chance with the truth, so be careful and you shouldn't get a "That's Okay"
  • THANKS : A woman is thanking you. Do not faint. Just say you're welcome.
  • THANKS A LOT :This is much different from "Thanks." A woman will say, "Thanks A Lot" when she is really ticked off at you. It signifies that you have offended her in some callous way, and will be followed by the "Loud Sigh." Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the "Loud Sigh," as she will only tell you "Nothing"

     

    THE RULES for Men, by Women

    1. The female always makes the rules.
    2. The rules are subject to change at any time without prior notification.
    3. No male can possibly know all the rules.
    4. If the female suspects that the male know all the rules, she must immediately change some or all of the rules.
    5. The female is never wrong.
    6. If the female is wrong it is because of a flagrant misunderstanding which was the direct result of something that the male said or did wrong.

    7. If rule 6 applies, the male MUST apologize immediately for causing the misunderstanding.
    8. The female can change her mind at any given point in time.
    9. The male must never change his mind without express written consent from the female.
    10. The female has every right to be angry or upset at any time.
    11. The male must remain calm at all times, unless the female wants him to be angry or upset.
    12. The female must under no circumstances let the male know whether or not she wants him to be angry or upset.
    13. Only the female may determine when things are alright again.
    14. Any attempt to document these rules could result in severe bodily harm.

    Rules for Men by Men (They are all labeled 1 for a reason):

    1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us whining about you leaving it down.
    1. Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if we can find the perfect present yet again!
    1. Sometimes we are not thinking about you. Live with it.
    1. Sunday sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
    1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.
    1. Crying is blackmail.
    1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!
    1. We don't remember dates. Mark birthdays and anniversaries on a calendar. Remind us frequently beforehand.
    1. Most guys own three pairs of shoes - tops. What makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress?
    1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
    1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
    1. Check your oil! Please.
    1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.
    1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.
    1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us. We refuse to answer.
    1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
    1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
    1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions, and neither do we.
    1. The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months we were going out.
    1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.
    1. We are not mind readers and we never will be. Our lack of mind-reading ability is not proof of how little we care about you.
    1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
    . When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really.
    1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as navel lint, the shotgun formation, or monster trucks.
    1. You have enough clothes.
    1. You have too many shoes.
    1. Foreign films are best left to foreigners. (Unless it's Bruce Lee or some war flick where it doesn't really matter what the heck they're saying anyway.)
    1. BEER is as exciting for us as handbags are for you.
    1. I AM in shape. ROUND is a shape.
    1. Thank you for reading this; Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight, but did you know men really don't mind that, it's like camping.

    ACTUAL ANALOGIES AND METAPHORS FOUND IN AMERICAN HIGH SCHOOL ESSAYS:

    Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two other sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master.

    His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.

    He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.

    She grew on him like she was a colony of E. coli and he was room-temperature Canadian beef.

    Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.

    He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree.

    The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM.

    McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup.

    From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and Jeopardy! comes on at 7:00 p.m. instead of 7:30.

    The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.

    They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth.

    John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.

    He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant and she was the East River.

    Even in his last years, Grandpappy had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut.

    Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.

    The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.

    He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame - Maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.

    The ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.

    He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.

    She was as easy as the TV Guide crossword.

    She walked into my office like a centipede with 98 missing legs.

    Her voice had that tense, grating quality, like a thermal paper fax machine that needed a band tightened.

    The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.

    Her hair glistened in the rain like nose hair after a sneeze.

    She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.

    It hurt the way your tongue hurts after you accidentally staple it to the wall.

    It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with power tools.

    Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.

    The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.

    The Texas Chili Cookoff

    For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is. They actually have a Chili cook-off about the time the rodeo comes to town. It takes up a major portion of the parking lot at the Astrodome. The notes are from an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was visiting Texas from the East Coast:

    "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off . The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the Budweiser truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, So I accepted". Here are the scorecards from the event:

    Chili # 1 Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili
    Judge # 1 A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
    Judge # 2 Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild
    Judge # 3 (Frank) Holy crap , what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

    Chili # 2 Arthur's Afterburner Chili
    Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
    Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
    Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.

    Chili # 3 Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili
    Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Needs more beans.
    Judge # 2 -- A bean less chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.
    Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting hammered from all of the beer.

    Chili # 4 Bubba's Black Magic
    Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
    Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
    Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-lb. witch is starting to look HOT-just like this nuclear waste I'm eating. Is chili an aphrodisiac?

    Chili # 5 Linda's Legal Lip Remover
    Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
    Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
    Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I had gas and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks.

    Chili # 6 Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety
    Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.
    Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.
    Judge #3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I soiled myself I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Sally. She must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone.

    Chili # 7 Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili
    Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
    Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. I should take note that I am worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
    Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava like my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, its too painful. Screw it, I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

    Chili #8 Tommy's Toe-Nail Curling Chili
    Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
    Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge # 3 passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor dude, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili.


    "If you go to heaven, bring an air conditioner.."

    [From "Applied Optics" vol. 11, A14, 1972]
    "The temperature of Heaven can be rather accurately computed. Our authority is Isaiah 30:26, "Moreover, the light of the Moon shall be as the light of the Sun and the light of the Sun shall be sevenfold, as the light of seven days." 

    Thus Heaven receives from the Moon as much radiation as we do from the Sun, and in addition 7*7 (49) times as much as the Earth does from the Sun, or 50 times in all. The light we receive from the Moon is one 1/10,000 of the light we receive from the Sun, so we can ignore that ... The radiation falling on Heaven will heat it to the point where the heat lost by radiation is just equal to the heat received by radiation, i.e., Heaven loses 50 times as much heat as the Earth by radiation. Using the Stefan-Boltzmann law for radiation, (H/E) temperature of the earth (-300K), gives H as 798K (525C). 

    The exact temperature of Hell cannot be computed ... [However] Revelations 21:8 says "But the fearful, and unbelieving ... shall have their part in the lake which burneth with fire and brimstone." A lake of molten brimstone means that its temperature must be at or below the boiling point, 444.6C. 

    We have, then, that Heaven, at 525C is hotter than
    Hell at 445C."


    The Accident Report

    An insurance company asked for more information regarding a work-related accident claim. This was the response: 

    "I put 'poor planning' as the cause of my accident. I am an amateur radio operator and was working on the top section of my new 80 foot tower. When I had completed my work, I discovered that I had, over the course of several trips up the tower, brought up about 300 pounds of tools and spare hardware. Rather than carry the materials down by hand, I decided to lower the items using a pulley. 

    Securing the rope at ground level, I went to the top of the tower and loaded the tools into a small barrel. Then I went back to the ground and untied the rope, holding it tightly to ensure a slow descent of the 300 pounds of tools. You will note in block number 11 of the accident report that I weigh 155 pounds. 

    Due to my surprise of being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. I proceeded at a rather rapid rate of speed up the side of the tower. In the vicinity of the 40 foot level, I met the barrel coming down. This explains my fractured skull and broken collarbone. Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley. I regained my presence of mind and was able to hold onto the rope in spite of my pain. 

    At the same time, however, the barrel of tools hit the ground and the bottom fell out of the barrel. Devoid of the weight of the tools, the barrel now weighed approximately 20 pounds. I refer you again to my weight in block number 11. As you might imagine, I began a rapid descent down the side of the tower. In the vicinity of the 40 foot level, I met the barrel coming up. This accounts for the two fractured ankles, and the lacerations of my legs and lower body. The encounter with the barrel slowed me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell onto the pile of tools so only three vertebrae were cracked. 

    I am sorry to report, however, that as I lay on the tools, in pain, unable to stand and watching the empty barrel 80 feet above me, I again lost my presence of mind and let go of the rope..." 


    The Best Of The Worst Country Western Song Titles

    Living in Georgia, one is bound to run across country music from time to time. That doesn't mean that we have to listen to it, or we have to like it. I can't listen to it without going into culture shock myself, but I did like this list of true-to-life bad country song titles well enough to grab it when I could. So, here they are.... 

    • Mama Get the Hammer (There's a Fly on Papa's Head) 
    • Drop Kick Me, Jesus, Through the Goalposts of Life 
    • Get Your Biscuits in the Oven and Your Buns in the Bed 
    • Get Your Tongue Outta My Mouth 'cause I'm Kissing You Goodbye 
    • Her Teeth Were Stained, But Her Heart was Pure 
    • How Can You Believe Me When I Say I Love You When You Know I've Been A Liar All My Life? 
    • I Been Roped and Thrown by Jesus in the Holy Ghost Corral 
    • I Changed Her Oil, She Changed My Life 
    • I Don't Know Whether to Kill Myself or Go Bowling 
    • I Fell in a Pile of You and Got Love All Over Me 
    • I Keep Forgetting I Forgot About You 
    • I Would Have Wrote You a Letter, But I Couldn't Spell "Yuck!" 
    • I Wouldn't Take Her to a Dawg Fight, Cause I'm Afraid She'd Win 
    • I've Got the Hungries for Your Love and I'm Waiting in Your Welfare Line 
    • If I Can't Be Number One in Your Life, Then Number Two on You 
    • If Love Were Oil, I'd Be a Quart Low 
    • If My Nose Were Full Of Nickels, I'd Blow It all on You 
    • If You Don't Leave Me Alone, I'll Go and Find Someone Else Who Will 
    • If You Leave Me, Can I Come Too? 
    • My Head Hurts, My Feet Stink, And I Don't Love Jesus 
    • My John Deere Was Breaking Your Field, While Your Dear John Was Breaking My Heart 
    • My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend, And I Sure Do Miss Him 
    • Oh, I've Got Hair Oil on my Ears and my Glasses Are Slipping Down, But Baby I Can See Through You 
    • She Got the Gold Mine, and I Got the Shaft 
    • She Got the Ring and I Got the Finger 
    • She Made Toothpicks out of the Timber of my Heart 
    • Thank God and Greyhound She's Gone 
    • Velcro Arms, Teflon Heart 
    • When You Leave Walk Out Backwards, So I'll Think You're Walking In 
    • You Can't Have Your Kate and Edith Too 
    • You Done Tore Out My Heart and Stumped that Sucker Flat 
    • You're the Reason Our Kids are So Ugly 

    Ten Things That Would Be Different if Microsoft Started Building Cars

    1. A particular model year of car wouldn't be available until after that year instead of before it. 
    2. Every time they repainted the lines on the road, you'd have to buy a new car. 
    3. Occasionally your car would just die for no reason, and you'd have to restart it. For some strange reason, you'd just accept this. 
    4. You could only have one person in a car at a time, unless you bought a Car 95 or Car NT. But then you'd have to buy more seats. 
    5. Sun Motorsystems would make a car that was powered by the sun, twice as reliable, and five times as fast-but it would only run on 5% of the roads. 
    6. The oil, engine, gas, and alternator warning lights would be replaced with a single "General Car Fault" warning light. 
    7. People would get excited about the "new" features in Microsoft cars, forgetting completely that they had been available in other cars for years. 
    8. We'd all have to switch to Microsoft gas. 
    9. The U.S. government would be getting subsidies from an automaker, instead of giving them. 
    10. New seats would force everyone to have the same-size butt. 


    Real Employee Evaluations

    These individual quotes were reportedly taken from actual employee performance evaluations in large US Corporations:
    (1) "Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom . . . and has started to dig."
    (2) "His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity."
    (3) "I would not allow this employee to breed."
    (4) "This employee is really not so much a 'has-been', but more of a definite 'won't-be'."
    (5) "Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap.
    (6) "When she opens her mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet."
    (7) "He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle."
    (8) "This young lady has delusions of adequacy."
    (9) "He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them."
    (10) "This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot."
    (11) "This employee should go far . . . and the sooner he starts, the better."
    (12) "Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingie to hold it all together."
    (13) "A gross ignoramus -- 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus."
    (14) "He certainly takes a long time to make his pointless."
    (15) "He doesn't have ulcers, but he's a carrier."
    (16) "I would like to go hunting with him sometime."
    (17) "He's been working with glue too much."
    (18) "He would argue with a signpost."
    (19) "He has a knack for making strangers immediately."
    (20) "He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room."
    (21) "When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell."
    (22) "If you see two people talking and one looks bored, . . . he's the other one."
    (23) "A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on."
    (24) "A prime candidate for natural deselection."
    (25) "Donated his brain to science before he was done using it."
    (26) "Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming."
    (27) "Has two brains: one is lost and the other is out looking for it."
    (28) "If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week."
    (29) "If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change."
    (30) "If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean."
    (31) "It's hard to believe that he beat 1,000,000 other sperm to the egg."
    (32) "One neuron short of a synapse."
    (33) "Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled."
    (34) "Takes him 2 hours to watch 60 minutes."
    (35) "The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead."
    (36) "The lights are dim, and no one is home."
    (37) "As of the completion of his initial training period, this man has honed his selling skills to about the sharpness of a marble."


    Stupid Employers

    As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday and
    employees will receive their cards in two weeks.
    (This was the winning quote from Fred Dales at Microsoft Corp in WA.)

    What I need is a list of specific unknown problems we will encounter.
    (Lykes Lines Shipping)

    E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. It should be used only for company business.
    (Accounting manager, Electric Boat Company)

    This project is so important, we can't let things that are more important interfere with it.
    (Advertising/Marketing manager, United Parcel Service)

    Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule. No one will believe you solved this problem in one day! We've been working on it for months. Now, go act busy for a few weeks and I'll let you know when it's time to tell them.
    (R&D supervisor, Minnesota Mining and Manufacturing/3M Corp.)

    My Boss spent the entire weekend retyping a 25-page proposal that only needed corrections. She claims the disk I gave her was damaged and she couldn't edit it. The disk I gave her was write-protected.
    (CIO of Dell Computers)

    Quote from the Boss: "Teamwork is a lot of people doing what I say."
    (Marketing executive, Citrix Corporation)

    My sister passed away and her funeral was scheduled for Monday. When I told my Boss, he said she died so that I would have to miss work on the busiest day of the year. He then asked if we could change her burial to Friday. He said, "That would be better for me."
    (Shipping executive, FTD Florists)

    "We know that communication is a problem, but the company is not going to discuss it with the employees."
    (Switching supervisor, AT&T Long Lines Division)

    We recently received a memo from senior management saying: "This is to inform you that a memo will be issued today regarding the subject mentioned above."
    (Unknown Submission)


    News of the Weird

    -Contact Lens Trouble -
    A drunk staggered into a Pennsylvania ER complaining of severe pain while trying to remove his contact lenses. He said that they would come out half way, but they always popped back in. A nurse tried to help using a suction pump, but without success. Finally, a doctor examined him and discovered that the man did not have his contact lenses in at all. He had been trying to rip out the membrane of his cornea.

    - Stupid Crook -
    Gary Blantz was arrested for kidnapping a bar owner near Lancaster, Pennsylvania in 1992. Police reported later that Blantz shot himself in the foot with his .45 caliber revolver in order to show his victim what would happen if he disobeyed.

    - Another Smart Crook -
    When his .38-caliber revolver failed to fire at its intended victim during a hold-up in Long Beach, California, robber James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder: he peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again. Happily for most concerned, this time it worked.

    - Cigar Insurance -
    A North Carolina man, having bought several expensive cigars, insured them against...get this...fire. After he had smoked them, he then decided that he had a claim against the insurance company and filed.The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason that
    the man had consumed the cigar normally. The man sued. The judge stated that since the company had insured the cigars against fire, they were obligated to pay. After the man accepted payment for his claim, the company then had him arrested for...arson. 

    The Suicide


    At the 1994 annual awards dinner given by the American Association for Forensic Science, AAFS President Don Harper Mills astounded his audience in San Diego with the legal complications of a bizarre death.
    "On 23 March 1994, the medical examiner viewed the body of Ronald Opus and concluded that he died from a shotgun wound of the head. The decedent had jumped from the top of a ten-story building intending to commit suicide (he left a note indicating his despondency). As he fell past the ninth floor, his life was interrupted by a shotgun blast through a window, which killed him instantly. Neither the shooter nor the decedent was aware that a safety net had been erected at the eighth floor level to protect some window washers and that Opus would not have been able to complete his suicide anyway because of this."
    "Ordinarily," Dr. Mills continued, "a person who sets out to commit suicide ultimately succeeds, even though the mechanism might not be what he intended. That Opus was shot on the way to certain death nine stories below probably would not have changed his mode of death from suicide to homicide. But the fact that his suicidal intent would not have been successful caused the medical examiner to feel that he had homicide on his hands. "The room on the ninth floor whence the shotgun blast emanated was occupied by an elderly man and his wife. They were arguing and he was threatening her with the shotgun. He was so upset that, when he pulled the trigger, he completely missed his wife and the pellets went through the a window striking Opus.

    "When one intends to kill subject A but kills subject B in the attempt, one is guilty of the murder of subject B. When confronted with this charge, the old man and his wife were both adamant that neither knew that the shotgun was loaded. The old man said it was his long-standing habit to threaten his wife with the unloaded shotgun. He had no intention to murder her - therefore, the killing of Opus appeared to be an accident. That is, the gun had been accidentally loaded.
    "The continuing investigation turned up a witness who saw the old couple's son loading the shotgun approximately six weeks prior to the fatal incident.
    "It transpired that the old lady had cut off her son's financial support and the son, knowing the propensity of his father to use the shotgun threateningly, loaded the gun with the expectation that his father would shoot his mother. The case now becomes one of murder on the part of the son for the death of Ronald Opus.
    "There was an exquisite twist. "Further investigation revealed that the son [Ronald Opus] had become increasingly despondent over the failure of his attempt to engineer his mother's murder. This led him to jump off the ten-story building on March 23, only to be killed by a shotgun blast through a ninth story window.
    "The medical examiner closed the case as a suicide."


    Law In Deed...



    These are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters, who had torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.

    Q. What is your date of birth?
    A. July fifteenth.
    Q. What year?
    A. Every year.

    *******************************************************
    Q. What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
    A. Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

    *******************************************************
    Q. This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory?
    A. Yes.
    Q. And in what ways does it affect your memory?
    A. I forget.
    Q. You forgot. Can you give us an example of something you've forgotten?

    *******************************************************
    Q. How old is your son, the one living with you?
    A. Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
    Q. How long has he lived with you?
    A. Forty-five years.

    *******************************************************
    Q. What was the first thing your husband said to you
    when he woke up that morning?
    A. He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
    Q. And why did that upset you?
    A. My name is Susan.

    *******************************************************
    Q. And where was the location of the accident?
    A. Approximately milepost 499.
    Q. And where is milepost 499?
    A. Probably between milepost 498 and 500.

    *******************************************************
    Q. Sir, what is your IQ?
    A. Well, I can see pretty well, I think.

    *******************************************************
    Q. Did you blow your horn or anything?
    A. After the accident?
    Q. Before the accident.
    A. Sure, I played for 10 years. I even went to school for it.

    ********************************************************
    Q. Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue lights flashing?
    A. Yes.
    Q. Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car?
    A. Yes, sir.
    Q. What did she say?
    A. What disco am I at?

    *********************************************************
    Q. Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?

    *********************************************************
    Q. The youngest son, the 20 year old, how old is he?

    *********************************************************
    Q. Were you present when your picture was taken?

    *********************************************************
    Q. So the date of conception of the baby was August 8th?
    A. Yes.
    Q. And what were you doing at that time?

    *********************************************************
    Q. She had three children, right?
    A. Yes.
    Q. How many were boys?
    A. None
    Q. Were there any girls?

    *********************************************************
    Q. You say the stairs went down to the basement?
    A. Yes.
    Q. And these stairs, do they go up also?

    *********************************************************
    Q. How was your first marriage terminated?
    A. By death.
    Q. And by whose death was it terminated?

    *********************************************************
    Q. Can you describe the individual?
    A. He was about medium height and had a beard.
    Q. Was this a male or a female?

    *********************************************************
    Q. Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice that I sent to your attorney?
    A. No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

    *********************************************************
    Q. Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
    A. All my autopsies are performed on dead people.

    *********************************************************
    Q. All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
    A. Oral.

    *********************************************************
    Q. Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
    A. The autopsy started around 8:30 PM.
    Q. And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
    A. No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.

    *********************************************************
    Q. Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

    *********************************************************
    Q. Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for pulse?
    A. No.
    Q. Did you check for blood pressure?
    A. No.
    Q. Did you check for breathing?
    A. No.
    Q. So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
    A. No.
    Q. How can you be so sure, Doctor?
    A. Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
    Q. But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?
    A. Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.


    This is a commencement speech made by Anna Quindlen at Villanova:



    It's a great honor for me to be the third member of my family to receive an honorary doctorate from this great university. It's an honor to follow my great Uncle Jim, who was a gifted physician, and my Uncle Jack, who is a remarkable businessman. Both of them could have told you something important about their professions, about medicine or commerce. I have no specialized field of interest or expertise, which puts me at a disadvantage talking to you today.

    I'm a novelist. My work is human nature. Real life is all I know. Don't ever confuse the two, your life and your work. The second is only part of the first. Don't ever forget what a friend once wrote Senator Paul Tsongas when the senator decided not to run for re-election because he had been
    diagnosed with cancer: No man ever said on his deathbed, "I wish I had spent more time at the office."

    Don't ever forget the words my father sent me on a postcard last year: "If you win the rat race, you're still a rat"

    Or what John Lennon wrote before he was gunned down in the driveway of the Dakota: "Life is what happens while you are busy making other plans."

    You will walk out of here this afternoon with only one thing that no one else has. There will be hundreds of people out there with your same degree; there will be thousands of people doing what you want to do for a living.

    But you will be the only person alive who has sole custody of your life. Your particular life. Your entire life. Not just your life at a desk, or your life on a bus, or in a car, or at the computer. Not just the life of your mind, but the life of your heart. Not just your bank account but your soul.

    People don't talk about the soul very much anymore. It's so much easier to write a resume than to craft a spirit. But a resume is a cold comfort on a winter night, or when you're sad, or broke, or lonely, or when you've gotten back the test results and they're not so good.

    Here is my resume:
    I am a good mother to three children. I have tried never to let my profession stand in the way of being a good parent.
    I no longer consider myself the center of the universe.
    I show up.
    I listen.
    I try to laugh.
    I am a good friend to my husband. I have tried to make marriage vows mean what they say.
    I am a good friend to my friends, and they to me. Without them, there would be nothing to say to you today, because I would be a cardboard cutout.

    But I call them on the phone, and I meet them for lunch. I would be rotten, or at best mediocre at my job, if those other things were not true. You cannot be really first rate at your work if your
    work is all you are.

    So here's what I wanted to tell you today:
    Get a life.
    A real life, not a manic pursuit of the next promotion, the bigger paycheck, the larger house. Do you think you'd care so very much about those things if you blew an aneurysm one afternoon, or found a lump in your breast?

    Get a life in which you notice the smell of salt water pushing itself on a breeze over Seaside Heights, a life in which you stop and watch how a red-tailed hawk circles over the water or the way a baby scowls with concentration when she tries to pick up a Cheerio with her thumb and first finger. Get a life in which you are not alone. Find people you love, and who love you. And remember that love is not leisure, it is work. Pick up the phone. Send an e-mail. Write a letter. Get a life in which you are generous.

    And realize that life is the best thing ever, and that you have no business taking it for granted. Care so deeply about its goodness that you want to spread it around. Take money you would have spent on beers and give it to charity. Work in a soup kitchen. Be a big brother or sister.

    All of you want to do well. But if you do not do good too, then doing well will never be enough. It is so easy to waste our lives, our days, our hours, our minutes. It is so easy to take for granted the color of our kids' eyes, the way the melody in a symphony rises and falls and disappears and
    rises again. 

    It is so easy to exist instead of to live. I learned to live many years ago. Something really, really bad happened to me, something that changed my life in ways that, if I had my druthers, it would never have been changed at all. And what I learned from it is what,today, seems to be the hardest lesson of all. I learned to love the journey, not the destination. I learned that it is not a dress rehearsal, and that today is the only guarantee you get. I learned to look at all the good in the world and try to give some of it back because I believed in it, completely and utterly. And I tried to do that, in part, by telling others what I had learned. By telling them this: Consider the lilies of the field. Look at the fuzz on a baby's ear.

    Read in the backyard with the sun on your face. Learn to be happy. And think of life as a terminal illness, because if you do, you will live it with joy and passion as it ought to be lived. 


    THINGS YOU'D LIKE TO SAY AT WORK.

    I see your point, but I still think you are full of it.
    I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.
    How about never? Is never good for you?
    I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
    I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.
    I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.
    I don't work here. I'm a consultant.
    It sounds like English, but I can't understand a word you are saying.
    Ahhh..... I see the screw-up fairy has visited us again.
    I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.
    You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
    I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't give a damn.
    I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
    I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
    Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.
    The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you are an artist.
    Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.
    It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.
    Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.
    Do I look like a people person?
    This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.
    I started out with nothing and still have most of it left.
    Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
    If I throw a stick, will you leave?
    Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
    I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
    A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.
    Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
    I thought I wanted a career, Turns out I just wanted paychecks.


    A Response to Dr. Laura

    Dr. Laura Schlessinger is a U.S. radio personality who dispenses advice to people who call in to her radio show. Recently, she said that, as an observant Orthodox Jew, homosexuality is an abomination according to Leviticus 18:22, and cannot be condoned under any circumstance. 

    Dear Dr. Laura: 

    Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God's Law. I have learned a great deal from your show, and try to share that knowledge with as many people as I can. When someone tries to defend the homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply remind them that Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination. End of debate. I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some of the other specific laws and how to follow them: 

    1. When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odor for the Lord - Lev.1:9. The problem is my neighbors. They claim the odor is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them? 

    2. I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her? 

    3. I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of menstrual uncleanliness - Lev.15:19- 24. The problem is, how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offense. 

    4. Lev. 25:44 states that I may indeed possess slaves, both male and female, provided they are purchased from neighboring nations. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you clarify? Why can't I own Canadians? 

    5. I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2 clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself? 

    6. A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an abomination - Lev. 11:10, it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I don't agree. Can you settle this? 

    7. Lev. 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle room here? 

    8. Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev.19:27. How should they die? 

    9. I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves? 

    10. My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev. 19:19 by planting two different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend). He also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them? Lev.24:10-16. Couldn't we just burn them to death at a private family affair like we do with people who sleep with their in-laws? (Lev. 20:14)? 

    I know you have studied these things extensively, so I am confident you can help. Thank you again for reminding us that God's word is eternal and unchanging.

    Airline Announcements

    All too rarely, airline attendants make an effort to make the in-flight "safety lecture" and their other announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:

    On a Continental Flight with a very "senior" flight attendant crew, the pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to ! enhance the appearance of your flight attendants."

    On landing, the stewardess said, "Please be sure to take all of your belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's something we'd like to have."

    There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane"

    "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."

    After a particularly rough landing ! during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced, "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted."

    From a Southwest Airlines employee:
    "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight ! 245 to Tampa. To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and, if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised.

    In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with more than one small child, pick your favorite.

    Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."

    "Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and, in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments."

    "Should the cabin lose pressure, oxygen masks are in the overhead area. Please place the bag over your own mouth and nose before assisting children ... or other adults acting like children."

    "As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."

    And from the pilot during his welcome message:
    "Delta airlines is pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!"

    Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City:
    The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was quite a bump, and I know what y'a! ll are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendant's fault ...it was the asphalt."

    Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day:
    During the final approach, the Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant said,
    "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"

    Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing:
    "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."

    An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard:
    The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the Passengers exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying our airline."
    He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment.
    Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady walking with a cane.
    She said, "Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?"
    Why, no, Ma'am," said the pilot. "What is it?"
    The little old lady said, "Did we land, or were we shot down?"

    After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the Flight Attendant came on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Capt. Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal."

    Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement!
    "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of US Airways."

    A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax... OH, MY GOD!"

    Silence followed, and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen! , I am so sorry if I scared you earlier. While I was talking to you, the flight attendant brought me a cup of coffee and spilled the hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!"
    A passenger in Coach yelled, "That's nothing. You should see the back of mine!"

    On a Southwest Airline flight:
    "Ladies and! gentlemen, if you wish to smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is on the wing and if you can light 'em, you can smoke 'em.


    You might be a Redneck Jedi if.....

    • You ever heard the phrase, "May the force be with y'all."
    • Your Jedi robe is camouflage.
    • You have ever used your light saber to open a bottle of Bud Light.
    • At least one wing of your X-Wings is primer colored.
    • You can easily describe the taste of an Ewok.
    • You have ever had a land-speeder up on blocks in your yard.
    • The worst part of spending time on Dagobah is the dadgum skeeters.
    • Wookies are offended by your B.O.
    • You have ever used the force in conjunction with fishing/bowling.
    • Your father has ever said to you, "Shoot, son come on over to the dark side...it'll be a hoot."
    • You have a confederate flag painted on the hood of your land-speeder.
    • You ever fantasized about Princess Leah wearing Daisy Duke shorts.
    • You have the doors of your X-wing welded shut and you have to get in through the window.
    • You have a cousin who bears a strong resemblance to Chewbacca.
    • You suggested that they outfit the Millennium Falcon with redwood deck.
    • You were the only person drinking Jack Daniels during the cantina scene.
    • You have ever used the force to get yourself another beer so you didn't have to wait for a commercial.
    • You have ever had your R-2 unit use its self-defense electro-shock thingy to get the barbecue grill to light.
    • Although you had to kill him, you kinda thought that Jabba the Hutt had a pretty good handle on how to treat his women.
    • If you hear . . . "Luke, I am your father and your uncle."
  • 2004 SiriusGraphics/Chris Kern