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ajc.com > Metro > Gwinnett > Opinion

MY VIEW

Things could get goofy for UGA

Published on: 06/10/04

It was reported recently that the University of Georgia Foundation — the independent fund-raising organization for UGA — is officially severing direct ties with the university.

We all saw this coming, but the UGA Foundation had an ace up its sleeve: It picked up the legal rights to the name "University of Georgia" last year when the university let them expire.

Chris Kern is a former Lilburn resident who now lives in Flowery Branch. He is software developer and maintains a blog at www.SiriusGraphics.com.
 
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I'm sure that the foundation will just use this point for leverage with the university, but consider for a moment if the UGA Foundation successfully pressed for UGA to change its name? Let's run the absolute worst-case scenario:

The UGA Foundation, embittered by years of disputes, hires a dream team of lawyers and wins legal ownership of the names "The University of Georgia" and "UGA." Along with the rights to these names comes a flood of lucrative licensing deals for T-shirts and other promotional items.

The foundation finds itself suddenly swimming in cash, newly freed of the ties to the university whose name it owns. Its profit margins draw the attention of big business and the foundation is quickly purchased by Time Warner Inc. Ted Turner and the boys, in dire need of the revenue stream, decide to cease any financial support to the university.

Meanwhile, the university is stripped of revenues from licensing its name and donations from the UGA Foundation, reducing it to near bankruptcy. It has to find a new source of revenue fast, or it would be faced with shutting down. It holds frantic fund-raising efforts, including a telethon hosted by Ray Goff and Larry Munson, offering a glossy 8-by-10 of the famous picture of our mascot biting the Auburn player in the end zone for each donation above $150.

However, the university's emergency fund-raising efforts come up tragically short.

Protests by angry students and parents continue for weeks as the Board of Regents conducts emergency meetings to keep the school open.

In the eleventh hour, the university has no choice but to take cues from professional sports and sell itself out to commercial advertisers.

When the students return in the fall, the new buildings are unveiled: the School of Music, presented by Napster. The Viagra Pharmacy School. The Wal-Mart School of Business. The Amazon.Com Library building. The "1-800-Divorce" School of Law. The School of Psychology, brought to you by Paxil. Caterpillar Bulldozers present: The Wayne Hill School of Landscape Design.

Eventually, the university sells the remaining rights to Disney. Our school colors change to orange and black, and our new mascot, Nemo, leads the "Fighting Clown Fish" onto Eisner Field (where the hedges have been trimmed into amusing character topiaries).

Newly issued diplomas bear signatures of Mickey Mouse ("Chairman of Fun") and Professor Von Drake ("Dean of Smart Stuff"). Local merchants start to cash in on the trend, opening "Lilo & Stitches" alterations, "The Emperor's New Grooves" record store and the "Buzz and Woody Bar & Gentleman's Club."

The final insult comes when the new arches are unveiled, welcoming students to "Disney's Georgia University Adventure."


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